Just What is it About Horses?

Oh for feck’s sake horses. Why are they allowed to exist? In old medieval times they had a use, but following the dawn of the 20th Century we have developed the car, the tank, the truck. Why oh why does there seem to be a place for horses in modern society?

Now I believe that the good ladies of England are a fair and delicate breed of delightful company, interesting witticisms and not forgetting that the majority of them have fine breast and a certain willingness to perform the occasional act of depravity.

Why on earth do we risk all these qualities by allowing them to purchase a horse? As soon as your wife, daughter, girlfriend obtains this four-legged equine monstrosity she becomes a horse person, and by default you have to become a horse person as well.

Suddenly your life has become a routine of grooming and mucking out stables, suddenly the love of your life thinks that this 17 hand high mountain of would be glue that shits in a field all day without a polite word is more pleasant company than you are. Suddenly the whole world needs to change to accommodate this horse.

But what is it about horses that does this?

In essence these creatures are little more than a vehicle with a brain. Imagine for a moment that you are buying a vehicle. Which one of the following would you buy?

The one with the passenger side airbags, CD player, SatNav, low mileage and that fits in your garage?

Or

The one that will throw you off the top if it if you lose concentration for a moment, will go where you want to go only if it can’t think of a reason not to, needs keeping in a separate stable costing even more money and does an enormous crap in such stable approximately once every 6 hours which you need to clear up.

I think I would go for the former wouldn’t you? But no… women are strange creatures you see, fair and beautiful yes but nonetheless strange.

They love horses and are terrified of spiders:

- All horses can kill you with a thought. Most spiders cannot
- Horses are bad tempered. Spiders have no emotions at all
- A Horse in your bath is going to take some getting rid of, a spider can be dealt with by using taps.
- You swat a horse it will kick you… you swat a spider you win the fight.

So don’t you see ladies? We have much more of a case to be terminally terrified of horses and embrace the keeping of spiders as pets… spiders also do not need stables, vet bills or £250 month on shoes.