Annoying Evangelical Non Smokey Types

The next person that comes up to me and complains about me smoking is going to get rolled into a Rizla, sparked up and passed around for my social circle to enjoy. I fecking hate these people with their seemingly unshakeable belief that:

- I am unaware of the dangers of smoking
- I actually care what they have to say

I smoke, I don’t have any other vices aside from Chocolate Buttons. I eat well, I don’t drink to excesses, I don’t gamble, I don’t fight outside pubs, I don’t come home and beat Lady Guttersnipe, I don’t even drop litter for feck’s sake!

Let me smoke!

They bang on and bang on about “polluting the atmosphere” and “harming my environment” yet they all own fecking cars don’t they?

- A car throws out far more poisonous fumes than my cigarette does
- If my cigarette hits you at 30 miles per hour it is not going to kill you.
- If you set fire to my cigarette it doesn’t explode

Can we have a day where cars have a big white bonnet containing a message like:

- This car may run you over
- Motoring harms you and others around you

Thank you…. Now I’m off for a fag!

Pregnant Women - Aarrgh

I understand that for the general continuation of the human race pregnancy is a necessary evil. I can live with that and until all the money I put into cloning research bears fruit I will have to live with that. Ladies, get pregnant if you must but please stop thinking that I remotely want to be involved.

Back in the days when Guttersnipe had a real job he had a sales team. One morning one of the ladies came and announced she was pregnant. After a quick check that I hadn’t slept with her and couldn’t be responsible I went back to my work.

Practically overnight her workstation became a mass of scan photographs and talks about vaginal tearing. Aaarrrgh, it’s a place of work for feck’s sake.

Ladies, you might think pregnancy is a wonderful time – to an employer he sees that you’re going to take a year off work then return part time just because you have a baby.

Of course then there will be photographs of the unfortunate child in various stages of growing up all over the office.

I’m not interested in your children, I’ve never been interested in your children. I don’t want childen and especially not yours.

Pregnancy is not a huge achievment – cats can do it and they generally drop more than one without an epidural..

And finally

I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL YOUR BABY KICK ANY MORE THAN IT WOULD WANT TO FEEL ME KICK – OK?

Rail Travel II

Over recent times I have had cause to catch a train over to the West Midlands. Not the West Midlands I hear you cry! Yes… work is work.

Now this is fairly long journey from Guttersnipe Manor invloving 2-3 hours on the train. During this 2-3 hours I am sitting under a large sign that says:

“For your comfort and safety there is no smoking on this train”.

For my comfort and safety? Mine?

There may be 1 or 2 non smokey types out there, so for you people 2-3 hours of nicotine withdrawal is not comfortable right?

Given that this policy is for my comfort and yet reducing my comfort significantly I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask for a free upgrade to first class don’t you?

Incidentally, a quick message to all you evangelical non smoker types:

NON-SMOKERS STILL DIE!